The Snail-Slurping Contest
Timon:
Whoa! Watch where you aim that morning breath. That should come with a warning label. Whoo, what a wake-up call! {He curls up and tries to go back to sleep}
Heh heh heh. Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the warthog. What's the matter, pops? {patronizing} Had a little too much Hakuna Matata?
Ooh. Sonny boy, I invented Hakuna Matata.
Simba:
Timon: Simba: Timon: Pumbaa: Timon: Pumbaa: Timon: Pumbaa: Timon: Pumbaa: Timon: Pumbaa: Timon: Pumbaa:
{smug} Oh, yeah? Well, I perfected it.
Sure you did, sure you did. Pumbaa, who holds the record for the world's longest bug belch?
{waking up} Uh, that would be Simba.
{mildly surprised} All righty then. Who's the champion at slug swallowing? Simba again.
{sits bolt upright} Cricket crunching? Simba. Grub gulping? Simba.
Maggot munching? Still Simba.
{sweating, in trepidation} Snail-slurping?
Oh, uh, nobody. We never had a snail-eating contest before.
{Cut to a snail in silhouette in the jungle; the theme from \The Bad, and The Ugly\and Timon facing off over a monstrous pile of snails. They narrow their eyes at each other in turn; then both flex their paws like gunslingers.} Pumbaa:
{cowering in the bushes} I don't think this is such a good idea.
{Simba grabs a snail and slurps it straight out of its shell, leaving slime all over his chin. He slams the shell down and leers at Timon, who yawns theatrically, then slurps down a snail of his own and folds his arms defiantly. Simba raises a paw with four snails, which he slurps down rapid-fire one after the other, then tosses the shells down and grins devilishly. Timon stares back in amazement, his eye twitching; then he swallows four of his own, swats away the shells, and grins a trifle insanely, breathing hard. Cut to Pumbaa in the bushes, looking at one and then the other like in a tennis match, as we hear slurps from one side and then the other in rapid succession. Finally he sinks down in trepidation, and the camera switches back to Simba and Timon slumped against opposite ends of the rock, only one snail left in front of each of them. In extreme perspective, Simba reaches for the last one, groans and shudders, then slurps it down; he belches loudly, then tosses the shell away with a drunken smirk. Timon picks up his last one, his belly bulging out over the edge of the rock; the snail in his hands morphs into Pumbaa, staring back at him.}
Pumbaa/Snail: I told you this wasn't such a good idea!
{Timon suddenly gags, covers his mouth, totters, and collapses; the snail shell flies up into the air, lands, clatters to a halt, and the snail inside pops out and scoots away. The camera trucks back vertically away from Timon, passed out and bloated on the ground next to the pile of shells.} Pumbaa: Timon:
{narrating} Thus did the pupil surpass the teacher. You've been hangin' around with the monkey again, haven't you?
{The music stops. Pumbaa walks slowly up to Timon and helps him up with a tusk.} Timon:
{groaning} Uhh. {He watches Simba swaggering away into the trees} Our Simba is growing up.
{Timon and Pumbaa stare after him for a beat; then Timon breaks into \ Timon: Pumbaa: Both:
{singing} Is this the little boy I carried? {singing} When did he grow to be so tall?
{singing} Wasn't it yesterday when he was small?
{The background chorus takes up the song as first Timon, then Pumbaa, then a full-grown Simba fly into the air, trampolining off a bunch of hanging vines. All three bounce into the air again, and Simba grabs the other two in a midair embrace.} Chorus:
Sunrise, sunset Sunrise, sunset
Swiftly fly the years
{The three of them lie on their backs looking up at the stars (no doubt, discussing cosmology); dissolve to the three of them hanging from vines, Simba gently pushing the others so they swing. Finally, dissolve to all three relaxing in the bubbling hot-tub pool.} Chorus: Pumbaa: Simba: Pumbaa:
One season following another Laden with happiness and tears
...So you see, that's why they call it a \Eww. You don't say. And yet, still so tasty! Oh, yeah. And they're my favorite, too.
{Timon approaches the tub, wearing a leaf around his middle. He tosses the leaf away, dabs a toe in the water, and eases himself in.} Timon: Pumbaa: Simba: All:
Ooh! {slipping into the water} Ah! Ahhhh. Just what the doctor ordered.
Yep. After a long day of doing nothing, it's good to kick back.
Three pals and no worries. What more could you want?
{sighing contentedly} Aahhh.
{They relax silently for a beat.} Pumbaa:
{yawns luxuriantly and scratches himself} Aaah-hhh-hh. I'm bushed. Think I'll turn in for the night.
{Pumbaa slowly climbs out. The bubbles immediately stop. The \grub for the first time\Timon, watching Pumbaa's retreating rump. They stare at the water in horror.} Timon:
I'm out.
Simba:
Right behind you.
{They both scurry out of the water. Switch to the bed-stump, where Simba pounces on Pumbaa and gives him a \on top of him.} Simba: Pumbaa: Simba: Pumbaa: Timon: Simba: Pumbaa:
Oh-ho! Ahh ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!
You're killing me, ha ha! {They all relax} ...Timon, it's your turn to say good night. Good night. Sleep tight.
Dream of bedbugs tonight. {immediately falls asleep}
{Simba rolls over and nearly squashes Pumbaa between his body and his foreleg, but Pumbaa doesn't wake up. Simba's paw slips off Timon; he sleepily reaches down and pulls it back up like a blanket. Camera trucks back as they all sleep.}
Trouble in Paradise
Timon: {narrating} Ahh. You gotta admit, we had a pretty good thing
goin' there. Pumbaa: We coulda gone on like that forever.
Timon: Except for one teeny weeny little thing we forgot to count on.
{Sudden cut to a snarling Nala pinning Simba down onto the ground with a WHUMP. Footage from TLK 1.}
Simba: {recognizing her} ...Nala? Nala: Nala:
{backing off and recognizing him} Wooaah! How did you...?
Simba: Waah!
Simba: But how did you...?
Timon: {looking on from the bushes} This is a disaster, Pumbaa. A
disaster, I tell ya!
Pumbaa] You mean because they've finally found each other like two
soulmates joined across the years by the bonds of true love? Timon: {patronizing} Sweet, innocent, little Pumbaa. {alarmed} She's
going to put a stake right through the heart of our Hakuna Matata! Pumbaa: {unconvinced} Oh! ...Then I guess we oughtta do something. Timon: And I know just what it is. Pumbaa... we can't let them feel the love tonight!
{The theme song from \whispers in Pumbaa's ear; Pumbaa nods, and they high-five. As Simba and Nala gambol among the trees, Timon parts the tall grasses and leans out to arch his eyebrows at the audience; he then fires a blow-dart at Nala, which sticks in her paw. Simba gallantly plucks it out and spits it aside into the bushes, where it hits Timon, who squeals. Nala pushes under Simba's chin as \ Nala: FS:
Ow!
Can you feel the love tonight?
Timon: {getting stuck with the dart} Aaaahhh!
{The \Gunn\music resumes. Timon whispers another plan in Pumbaa's ear, in which the word %up a big spider, which winks at us; Timon lowers it like a yo-yo towards the two lions. On the way down, the spider passes a fetching female spider, and the music stops abruptly as the spider hops back up to her. \Feel the Love Tonight\heart-shaped webs behind the lions as they nuzzle.} FS:
Can you feel the love tonight?
Pumbaa: {overcome} That's so romantic.
Timon: {wrapped up in a cocoon of spider-silk} Uhh...
{Back to the \Gunn\music. As Simba and Nala pass by, Timon (riding on Pumbaa) hurls a huge beehive at them. But the bees stay right there above him in a solid cloud; after a beat, \You Feel the Love Tonight\resumes, and Timon races away with the bees in hot pursuit.} FS:
Can you feel the love...?
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