《老友记》中英剧本第一季第六集1

106 The One With the Butt

[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.] Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Fr (The lights dim.)

Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.

(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)

Joey: well, Eva, we've done some excellent work here, and I would have to say, your proble All you want is a dingle,What you envy's a schwang,A thing through which you can tinkle,Or Opening Credits

[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding.? As soon as the cast l Rachel: God. I feel violated.

Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have so Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.

Ross: Is it? Feels like two.

Chandler: No, ten o'clock.

Ross: What?

Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o' Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!

Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.' Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.

Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

Chandler: Thank you, buddy.

Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really Monica: You could do that!

Chandler: Y'think?

All: Yeah!

Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my t Ross: C'mon! C'mon!

Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)

Aurora: ...Yes?

Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, Aurora: Yes, you said that.

Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted Aurora: Chandler?

(Joey enters from behind a curtain.? The others all talk at once.)

All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: Whadja think?

(Pause)

All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the tr

All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.

Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. ( Rachel: What is it?

Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]

Chandler: Hey, kids.

All: Hey.

Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a lin Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?

Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazin (A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.) Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.

Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?

Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.

Joey: Who's Rick?

Chandler: Who's Rick?

Aurora: My husband.

All: Ooooohhh.

Chandler: Oh, so you're porced?

Aurora: No.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?

Aurora: No, I'm still married.

Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting h Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan. Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?

Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.

All: What?!

Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.

Chandler: ...Hm.

Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involve Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?

Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.

Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with some Joey: I couldn't do it.

Monica: Good for you, Joey.

Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she i Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speak (They all pretend to fall asleep.)

Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.

Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!

All: Yeah! C'mon!

Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-

(They all fall asleep again.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]

Rachel: Tah-daaah!

Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.

Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attach Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.

Rachel: Well, whaddya think?

All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!

Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.

All: Uh-oh...

Monica: How-how did that happen?

Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it lo Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.

Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your e Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!

Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y' Monica: That is so unfair!

Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.

Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't Monica: Why not?

Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.

Monica: I could do that.

Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's no Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.

Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drin Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?

Ross: Monica? You're Mom.

(Monica gasps.)

Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!

(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)

Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and All: Oh my God! Whoah!

Monica: Well, what's the part?

Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out o Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?

Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"

Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?

Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)

Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?

Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the sho Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.

Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big! Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your y Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!

Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening? Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.]

Monica: Alright, alright, alright...

(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)

Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.

Monica: For what?

Joey: What do you think? Today's the big day!

Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)

(Chandler enters with the phone.)

Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.

Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!

Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) Monica: I warned you...

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Rachel: Who is being loud?

Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora sp Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?

Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to r Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?

Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub (She opens the door and he leaves.)

[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]

Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody rea Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.

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